San Diego State University’s Independent Student Newspaper Since 1913

The Daily Aztec

San Diego State University’s Independent Student Newspaper Since 1913

The Daily Aztec




San Diego State University’s Independent Student Newspaper Since 1913

The Daily Aztec

Solve your problems by going topless

I don’t consider myself a romantic guy, but I think I fell in love last week.

This woman was nothing short of perfection. I watched her from across the room, her long brown hair tickling her svelte back as she slowly danced by herself. She looked at me and smiled. My world lit up.

She walked over to me with style, grace and dignity. The kind of woman that struts with one leg in front of the other rather than both side by side. She had a posture that exuded confidence. She had a body that looked like art.

She asked my name, where I was from and if I liked what I saw. She was charming and ebullient. A brain with a body. She leaned forward and kissed me softly on the cheek, then leaned back and took off her top. My heart pounded. My blood raced. This woman must really like me, I thought.

So I took my dollar bill and slipped it into her g-string as she smacked herself on the ass. “Thanks,” she said as she moved on to the next guy and started the performance over again.

Strippers are the best. They represent the huge advances women have made in gaining equal rights the past two decades. Feminist groups have lobbied for equal representation. Female workers have lobbied for equal pay. And women homemakers have begged feminists for respect. Although the homemakers have yet to achieve their goal, women in general are far better off now than at any other time in the history of this great country.

But there remains one key area in which women continue to be subjected to a stricter legal code than men: public nudity. While men are allowed to walk with no shirts in the streets, a woman who chooses to remove her top at the zoo would be thrown in jail. This is an injustice. Women must be allowed to go topless in the streets. They must be allowed the freedom of feeling the warm breeze against their taut mammaries.

A woman’s breasts are much more beautiful than a man’s hairy chest. They’re pure and natural. Wonderful and exotic. And they must be allowed to be free. Equal rights. Breasts of Glory. In fact, I’m so fired up about this I’m organizing a rally. I want all the women of San Diego State University who believe in equal rights to come to the free speech area today and show your support for the cause by showing your breasts. Everyone. A cups, B cups, C cups, D cups, and two-inches-from-the-floor cups.

All breasts are welcome. I believe in you. I support your right to go without your support. Let’s show the world a good time.

Yeah, baby. My neurons are going off like rockets over this one. Female nudity is good. Forget about all that crap the media say about the exploitation of women. Forget about the rhetoric being spewed about women being treated as sex objects. If Lucky Vanous can take off his shirt to sell a Diet Pepsi, then Tyra Banks can take off her shirt to sell me a car.

Equality, sweetheart. You either believe in it or you don’t. Part of the hypocrisy lies in the fact that women are allowed to go topless in a strip club but not in public. We can overcome this. We can find the loophole in the law by making the whole world a strip club. Every baby boy who is born from this day on will have to pay a $10 cover charge to the doctor who delivered him. It’s that simple. The world will be Cheetah’s, and we’ll all be better off for it.

Nobody will ever forget your name. Get rid of those boring names like Amy, Nancy and Rebecca. You’ll do much better in the world with cool stripper monikers like Holly Heat, Leanna FoXXX, Sinnamon and Be Be Le Badd. If you’re more of an artistic person, you can give yourself a name with deeper meaning and ties to nature, like Misty Rain or Carrie Cougar. Or you can just call yourself Taboo and watch the men line up.

For the first time in your life, you will have a man’s undivided attention. Nakedness and sexuality are amazingly effective techniques for getting noticed. Big breasts can stop any conversation. And if you have small breasts, get implants.

Good grades in school will be as easy as 1, 2, 3. One: visit your professor in his office. Two: bring your radio and play the house remix of Color Me Badd’s “I Wanna Sex You Up.” Three: take off your clothes. If you really work hard at perfecting your routine, you might graduate in just three years. Cum Laude.

Fashion won’t be such a headache anymore. As it is now, every morning you open your closet and see the same boring clothes. Nothing looks good anymore. And when you don’t like what you’re wearing, you don’t feel good. And when you don’t feel good, you’re not productive. Going topless solves this problem. Don’t know what to wear? Wear nothing. Besides, a backpack would look incredibly cool on a naked chick.

You won’t need scholarships anymore. Your tips will pay for school. You won’t need an after-school job anymore. Doing porno movies on the weekend will pay your rent. You won’t need anyone anymore. You’ll be completely self-sufficient. A butt-naked superwoman. You are woman. I hear you roar.

Just be sure your dad isn’t in the audience when you’re performing, you sicko!

Think I’m a pig? Think I’m a chauvinist? A sexist? You must think God is too, because he made Eve, and Eve was naked.

John Walters is an economics senior who writes a biweekly Tuesday column. His e-mail address is johnthe2@aol.com.

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San Diego State University’s Independent Student Newspaper Since 1913
Solve your problems by going topless