I can tell the weather is heating up because the beaches are getting crowded and my grades are beginning to slide faster than the Republican Party's popularity. Also, I read the forecast.
Summer creeps into our lives, and maintaining my 12-pack abs and other chiseled features - like, my jaw - come to the forefront of importance. Labels on food and drinks are no longer discarded without care; instead they represent a scarlet letter, a reminder that food equals fat and that my speedo can only stretch so far.
Ever wonder what half the stuff is on nutritional labels? Riboflavin, niacin, protein. OK, I know protein, but has anyone ever been notably deficient in thiamin? Here's what a conversation would look like if we really knew:
Guy 1: "Dude, have you seen Bob lately?"
Guy 2: "Ya, bra. He sure doesn't look too good. He should really start upping the ante on his Vitamin B12 intake."
Guy 1: "I know. He's also clearly not getting enough oligosaccharides. It's as if the guy has no concept of health."
Guy 2: "Word, he's an idiot. Hey, want to drink some beer?"
Guy 1: "Definitely, man."
Of course we don't know much about these nutrients, but here's what we do know. First, most fat is like Rush Limbaugh, or in other words, large and unnecessary. Second, trans fats are the equivalent of fried batter drowned in sugar with a Twinkie filling - also known as Krispy Kremes. Third, carbohydrates mean energy and then fat. And sodium should pretty much just be outlawed. What are we to do?
I believe the answer is as simple as the word orthophosphates. How accurate do you think those nutrition labels are anyhow? Are we really supposed to trust these people called "scientists" to figure out how much sodium should be in our diets? Seriously, these are the same people who believe in things such as "gravity" and "facts" - how delusional.
I always try to get to 100 percent on the daily-value section of the labels. This is an extremely difficult task. What if we were graded by how close we came to 100 percent in each nutrient? If I was basing my existence solely on this goal, I would first have to retake college algebra. More importantly, I couldn't afford to drink too much orange juice, or I wouldn't pass the day's exam because of excess Vitamin C.
Also, it's about time someone came up with a new idea. Kind of like that Atkins guy did, except one that allows me to eat breadsticks. Something where it's OK to eat chocolate donuts so long as you never eat chocolate donuts. But something smarter than that and that makes actual sense.
I know I'm not the only one out there trying my best to stave off the french fries and cut back on the shots - unless they're wheatgrass. We should all be thankful that we are reminded every time we eat something that the label thinks we're fat. I'm not one to believe in deterrents, but put a food label on it and I'm scrambling away. I'm really rooting for my self-discipline this season though. It's just always easier said than done.
-Conor Shapiro is a political
science senior.
-This column does not necessarily reflect the opinion of The Daily Aztec.
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