For as long as I can remember, I've been sympathetic to the people fighting for the metric system in the United States. While crash landing satellites and miscommunication (hello telephone game) are fun, it's about time we got on board with the rest of the world. I mean, we've already integrated the metric system into track and field and drug trafficking; how hard could it be to throw a few (million) more signs up? And Texas, I hear you; I realize the 37.9-liter hat does not sound as appealing as the 10-gallon hat, but I think you can sacrifice one for the greater good. And after years of hard lobbying, I think British citizen Joel Veitch has come up with an idea that could bring everyone together. Veitch, an English Web animator, is the man who is suggesting a metric unit (e.g. gram, meter) for "hazardicity." Thanks to this proposal, we could finally have an internationally approved way of measuring how hazardous turning corners in Parking Structure 4 really is (allowing us to adjust our tread accordingly). According to an interview on www.thenakedscientist.com, Veitch went through statistics in a study done at a safety agency in Britain that compiled data on the number of injuries different items or tasks produced. He set out by looking for something that many people own that could be used as the standard unit - he came up with curtains. Yes, curtains. And before you scoff, according to the data, curtains cause 4,080 injuries a year in Britain. If this is affecting them this much, I can't imagine the devastation curtains must be unleashing on Americans. It's a miracle those girls from "The Hills" are still alive. But I digress. In simple terms, hazards would be measured on how many injuries occurred relative to curtains. This has enormous potential with everything being a hazard-in-waiting these days. Just picture the announcement following the next sewer leakage near Imperial Beach: "With a hazardicity of 8.1 kilocurtains, the beach will no longer be open to the public." It can go on packaging or become a new part of speech, too. No longer will you struggle to describe how hazardous the bathrooms are at Qualcomm or feign interest in all your fake conversations over Thanksgiving. My favorite potential outcome of this unit - other than the adoption of the metric system, of course - is finding out previously unknown hazards and discrediting others. I've had a sneaking feeling for some time that those oversized sorority bags are nothing but trouble. I bet they get a sizeable 2 curtains. But old-school trapper-keeper binders probably only clock in at 0.9 centicurtains. They're way overrated. Basically, this will change our lives while saving some too. So next time you hear some neocon preaching about the awesomeness of the U.S. measurement system while bashing the move to the metric system, you know what to do. Just calmly explain curtains to him and if, for some crazy reason, he still doesn't agree, just tell him we already use it for drugs.
-Drew Hendrickson is a psychology senior.
-This column does not necessarily reflect the opinion of The Daily Aztec.
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