 "Photo: MCT Campus")
'm not a spiteful person.
I don't harbor grudges or stay mad for long.
I bury the hatchet pretty easily.
But right now, I wouldn't mind burying one in Jake Plummer's back.
As a quarterback, Plummer is the asparagus on a plate of steak and potatoes, the morning after a late-night, drunken run to Señor Panchos, the canker sore after a one-night stand.
He's the bane of my existence.
If Plummer were a body part, he would be the appendix - completely useless and utterly forgettable until it (he) starts to hurt.
And, boy, was he a pain yesterday.
Plummer tossed three interceptions, lost a fumble and generally ruined the Denver Broncos' chances to defeat the St. Louis Rams on Sunday.
Denver's drive chart looked more like a game of Madden 2007 between the Houston Texans and the Indianapolis Colts on all-Madden level.
Punt, fumble, fumble, interception, punt, touchdown (hooray!), punt, punt, field goal (yay!), interception, interception.
If it's possible to have a negative quarterback rating, Plummer will do so at least four times this season.
But at least he can grow a full beard.
As a fantasy football option, he ranks somewhere between Helen Keller and Stephen Hawking. Come to think of it, I'd rather have one of them.
However, I can't write 550 words on Plummer tanking (or can I?), so I'll return to the task at hand: fantasy football.
• Who else kept Donté Stallworth on the bench this week, wondering if he'd form a groove with Donovan McNabb? All he did was catch six passes for 141 yards and a touchdown. Start him next week. I will.
• It looks like the debate for who should have been taken with the first pick of the NFL Draft is settled. Final tally: Mario Williams, two tackles; Reggie Bush, 141 yards of total offense.
Looks like Charlie Casserly was replaced by Forrest Gump.
But the Texans already had a running back. Oh, wait.
• On to my dos and don'ts for this week.
DO buy into the McNabb hype. McNabb was fantastic on Sunday, and nobody runs the play-action pass better, except for maybe Peyton Manning.
DON'T buy into the Chad Pennington hype. The Jets quarterback was great, throwing for 319 yards and two touchdowns. But injured shoulders don't usually stay healthy for long, and Pennington's hanging by a thread.
DO target Kurt Warner as your starting quarterback. Warner was 23-of-37 passes for 301 yards and three touchdowns. Granted, his performance came against the anemic San Francisco defense, but he sure looked sharp. If he can stay on the field for more than 12 games, you've got your fantasy steal.
DON'T lose faith in Carson Palmer after one mediocre game. Palmer didn't put up the phenomenal stats he did in the preseason, but he was effective against the Kansas City defense. I fully expect the Chiefs to improve drastically with defensive-minded Herm Edwards at the helm.
DO put a premium on a backup quarterback. With so many good passing offenses and so many bad pass defenses, week-to-week matchups are becoming increasingly important. In one of my leagues, I have Warner and Jake Delhomme (who was downright awful against Atlanta). When Delhomme plays New Orleans, however, it's bye-bye Warner.
Take a look at the waiver wire for quality backups in Aaron Brooks, Jon Kitna and David Carr.
If worse comes to worse, there's always Plummer. You can guarantee he's not already taken.
-Jon Gold is a journalism senior.
-This column does not necessarily reflect the opinion of The Daily Aztec.
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