Palmer plays on

It was the ultimate low for the San Diego State football team and, seemingly, for its kicker Garrett Palmer. Down 16-14 to Division I-AA Cal Poly at Qualcomm Stadium in its homecoming game, SDSU was looking up toward the Mountain West Conference basement. The Aztecs were 1-5 in head coach Chuck Long's first season and, with 37 seconds left, Palmer had an opportunity to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat with a 48-yard field goal. Fans were on their feet amidst an atmosphere of doubt. Could SDSU really lose to a Division I-AA team? Could the team really start 1-6? Palmer missed. He kicked wide left, SDSU lost and the season ended in a 3-9 haze. Palmer was upset, but the shank was hardly his biggest problem. A year and a half earlier, on April 13, 2005, Palmer's girlfriend was killed in a car accident. A nearly two-year relationship was gone forever. "Some guy just ran a red light and hit her," Palmer said bluntly, as though hiding his emotions might lighten the pain. "Why'd I have to have my girlfriend taken from me, one of my best friends?" Palmer is a religious person. Raised a Baptist, he's always had faith to rely on. But when his girlfriend was taken from him, he had to take a step away from everything. God included. Why should he care about something that so evidently abandoned him? "I strayed away from God because it was like, I don't even know," Palmer said. "There were trying times for a year or so, I didn't feel like doing anything. I didn't care about football. There were more important things than football. I just wasn't happy about life in general." Every second was agonizing. The hours turned into days and those became months. The world was passing him by. That's when he realized that stepping away from the thing he was raised to fall back on might've been a mistake. There was no silver lining to his girlfriend's death, but maybe there was a lesson to learn. "I think maybe it did happen for a reason, I mean, everything does," Palmer said. "I'm stronger now than I was when it happened. I want people to know that if they ever have something wrong they can talk to me. Maybe that's a little bit of a plus." To impress his experience on people and help when others are in pain, Palmer wears his emotions on his sleeves. Or maybe under his sleeves would be more accurate. On one arm is a rendition of his thoughts worthy of an artist's portfolio. Palmer is standing shirtless with Jesus Christ above him. Rain is pouring down on Palmer, not symbolizing sad days ahead, but to remind him of his relationship. "'She's My Kind of Rain' was our song together, so I thought the rain was fitting," Palmer said. "The tattoo is my tribute to her, to never forget her." His under-arms are decorated differently. One arm has the word "trust" while the other says "God." Palmer got these tattoos after coming back to his religion earlier this year. "I just put all my trust in God," Palmer said. "I knew I had to go back to my faith, I knew I had to change something, so I just started going back to church and I think that helped a lot. The tattoos are just a reminder. I look at them and it's like, okay, I'm having a bad day today but things could be a lot worse. They put things in perspective." That Cal Poly loss was, in retrospect, important, but merely a bump in the road. Not nearly on the same plane as the loss of his soul mate. "There's no football scale there to try and compare the two things," Palmer said. "With that missed kick I felt bad for that night, but this is years. I won't feel terrible about that kick for years." While the memories won't soon fade, the overwhelming emotions and sleepless nights will. Palmer won't forget his relationship anytime soon, but the recollections should grow dimmer. "I know there've been lots of teary nights with me calling my dad at four in the morning because I couldn't sleep," Palmer said. "I'll always think about it and I still get choked up talking about it, but just six months ago it was a lot worse." For now, the relationship will continue somewhere between the end of his games and his dreams. "Every night I pray to God," said Palmer, getting choked up, true to his word. "I just tell him to say hi to her for me."

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