It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
Itwas Sydney’s unabashed revelry of the Olympics, it was the arroganceof New York during the Subway Series. It was Tony Gwynn deciding tostick it out at the Q and it was Chargers loss after Chargers lossafter Chargers loss after Chargers loss. It was your typicalunpredictable year in the sports world.
Luckily for you, I can distill it down to the most major events soyou don’t have to rack your brains and cause important finalsinformation to leave you.
Jan. 30: Kevin Dyson comes up a yard short and time runs out inSuper Bowl XXXIV, and the Rams beat his Titans, 23-16. Besieged byreporters with the same question after the game, Dyson states that heis also sick and tired of close-ups of Kurt Warner’s wife.
Feb. 22: Ken Griffey Jr. finally leaves the Seattle Mariners viafree agency and signs a fat deal with the Cincinnati Reds. Punditsbelieve this is the boost the Reds need to win. Pundits also get paidto complain and eat all the free shrimp they can.
March 12: The chilling realization sets in that you watched ESPNfor 83 hours straight to fill out your office bracket and yet somehowyou owe the uninterested secretary who made all her picks by coinflip $1,320.
March 13: Dan Marino finds a way out of paying his share in theDolphins’ pool: he retires.
April 3: Michigan State wins the NCAA Tournament, and theuninterested secretary quits the job with five pens that aren’t hersand $36,109 that she won from the office pool.
April 18: A child sees Randy Johnson’s face and breaks down intears.
April 27: The ball is juiced.
April 28: The ball isn’t juiced, the players are bigger!
May 1: The ball is, in fact, juiced.
June 5: Steve Young retires. Troy Aikman meant to, however, he waslooking for a sidekick to ride with him in the Batmobile.
June 19: The Lakers beat the Pacers in six to claim the NBA title– however, the attendance is only 730 when the game ends, since thefans showed up in the middle of the second quarter and left in thebeginning of the fourth.
July 1-2: Venus Williams wins her first Wimbledon title. Herfather, Richard, wins his 14th Biggest Egomaniac title. Pete Sampraswins Wimbledon, but this is a recording.
July 23: Tiger Woods completes a career Grand Slam at age 24 witha 19 under par at the British Open, thus confirming what we allsuspected since the Masters a couple years ago: Tiger Woods is acyborg.
Aug. 28: On my first day of classes, I hear bells ring preciselyat 10 and wait for Angus Young’s driving guitar and Trevor Hoffman toshow up.
Aug. 31: Sports Illustrated proclaims the undefeated-in-preseasonChargers and Ryan Leaf back. The laughter that emanates causes tidaldisruptions and a 4.4 earthquake.
Sept. 9: I was supposed to make a joke about the Olympics here,but I’m going to wait for later when I’m sure nobody’s reading.
Oct. 14: Florida State loses to Miami thanks to Wide Right III.The rest of this is severely edited, including the part about where Uof M can stick that cactus.
Oct. 26: The Yankees finally beat the Mets 4-2, ending amonth-long riot in New York and once again proving that countlessatheists just may have a point.
Butch is a journalism junior and staff writer for The Daily Aztec.He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.