It happens as soon as the sun sets over England.

Expensive tractors disappear from fields.

Pubs are burglarized minutes after they close.

The darker side of girl power is unleashed.

And across the channel, Parisian gangsters run amok, wieldingsuper-wicked monkeys.

Just another yob’s night out.

What the bloody hell is a yob?

Ayob, according to the American Heritage Dictionary, is a rowdy,destructive youth, also a hooligan or ruffian.

Yobs are a big problem in Britain, and a vinegar and newsprintshortage can’t even compare. Yobs are driving Tony Blair’s LabourParty batty, and Labour has responded with tough anti-yoblegislation. This is designed to curb anti-social behaviors, such asdrinking, vandalism, loutish behavior and hit-and-run driving.

It appears yobbery has become so bad that, the Times of Londonlaments, pensioners are afraid to go out and single mothers avoidshopping. Major British newspapers sport frequent headlinesquestioning whether Britain is a nation of yobs. Yobbery has made itonto late-night British comedy shows. It’s a true British invasion –of Britain.

It’s not fair that San Diego State University’s frat packs getexpelled while their English counterparts get so much attention, isit? What to do? Give it a few more years, boys.

Yobbery comes in different shapes. Some are more criminallysophisticated than others. Some are American, some are French. Theydo their dastardly deeds sober or drunken, young or very old. Likemissing Al Gore ballots in Florida, yobs are everywhere.

Tractor-jacked

xPerhaps England’s worst yobs are the tractor thieves. These areoften internationally linked, and, the Times warns, extremely nastyand violent people. The title of the article reads, “Things that gowest in the night,” so one would guess, correctly, that they go toIreland. From there, they travel the globe.

Police are often hard-pressed to identify stolen tractors becausea “suspicious tractor” driving down the road is, well, not verysuspicious.

The dictionary notes that yob is an alteration of ‘boy’ spelledbackward, but we mustn’t exclude girl yobs — even sophomore ones.

Bad girl power

The Times has a lengthy feature starring royally misbehaved andviolent young girls who are in prison. When I saw the article’stitle, “The dark side of girl power,” I knew I had to use it.

Some of the girls in prison were murderers, while others made theslammer for lighting other girls’ hair on fire. The prison had ananger-management program the author was investigating. “They are verydamaged, difficult women,” explained a prison guard. “It is preciselybecause they are young that they are very difficult to deal with.They just don’t listen to reason. You get a lot of girls being veryaggressive in their demeanor … swearing and throwing their armsabout.”

Perhaps now is the time for me to keep my thoughts to myself. Butlistening to reason is a killer, isn’t it?

“We know that there is something going on,” explains the prison’sassistant director. She notes the frequency and the level of violenceof these attacks have increased. But here’s the jackpot: “Youthexperts say one of the biggest causes for the explosion in femaleviolence appears to be confusion over identity. They are fed ‘girlpower’ by pop heroines, such as the Spice Girls and Billie; they areencouraged to be assertive and told that they are empowered.

“What if you can’t get what you really, really want? These girlsare being taught to be more assertive; they get the girl powermessage, but it can be confusing for them. You don’t always get whatyou want, and they lack the skills to cope with that. Theirfrustration can spill over into anger.” No comment.

Banana assassins

Parisian gangs have always been famous, but they’re about tobecome immortal. How? It’s easy; they’ve found the ultimate hit-men– attack monkeys. But these aren’t just any monkeys, said theGuardian Unlimited. These monkeys are Barbary apes, and are known fortheir powerful limbs, sharp teeth and short tempers. Removed fromtheir natural environment, they become ultra-aggressive; theycommonly attack by throwing themselves at people’s heads.

The modern-day frondeurs who own these monkeys use them tointimidate their rivals, but sometimes fight them against othermonkeys. Monkeys make perfect sense as these gangsters’ new weaponsof choice, as authorities have cracked down on last year’s favoriteweapons — pit bulls.

But authorities have it a little easier this time. When beingattacked by a monkey, they must say “Il y a un singe sur ma tete!”,whereas the pit-bull required the slightly harder “Il y a un grandchien mechant rongeant ma jambe!” That’s a real mouthful.

Yobs revisited

Yobs can also be quite old, which is what makes them so dangerous.After all, they’re everywhere. The Times of London recently exposedthis covert group of malefactors in an article titled “America’selderly fill sunset days with crime.” That’s right, America.

Yobs are here, too.

The article was a bit disturbing. That man walking down the streetor that nice lady sitting on the porch could one day do you in.

Some of these elderly yobs include:

A 72-year-old man, armed, was shot and killed breaking into a68-year-old man’s home.

An 80-year-old man was jailed for 13 years after robbing a Floridabank; he left with the aid of his walker.

A 74-year-old man shot his 69-year-old sister with a handgunbecause he believed she cast a voodoo spell on him.

A 91-year-old man shot his grandson, and then kept 100 police atbay for 32 hours without falling asleep or giving in to tear gas.

A 95-year-old Florida man pulled a gun on a forestry worker whocame to cut down a diseased tree in the man’s garden.

The list goes on and on.

So yobs have attack monkeys, English tractors, plenty of beer fromthe pubs they’ve sacked, old age and girl power — and right now I’msure some of them have finals.

–Benjamin Abel is a social science junior. Send e-mail todaletter2000@hotmail.com.

–This column does not necessarily reflect the opinion of TheDaily Aztec.