MANHATTAN, Kan. – Celebrities are better than you, and I’ll tell you why.
They co-own ultra-trendy nightclubs. They buy summer houses made of solid gold. They are the only ones who are attractive by the correct standards; non-celebrity women (or “Betty McPlainfaces,” as I like to call them) really need to step up looks-wise. And though scholars have risked their lives to keep the knowledge secret, celebrities technically are above the laws of society, morals, land and physics.
But don’t fret. You, too, can be almost as good as a celebrity without actually being one. Your life still won’t have any purpose, but you’ve got to do something. Begin by making demands – lots of them, but make them as reasonable as possible. For example, I now have a few demands about what will be in my room every night when I enter: a large tank of live swordfish, three black olives that don’t touch each other, a window that faces west in the morning and east at night and finally, a pitcher of powdered lemonade that has been stirred with a wooden spoon, chemically separated into its original ingredients and then mixed back together. I don’t drink it, but I can’t sleep if it’s not there. Celebrities have been making such demands for ages and frankly, they’re right to do so. If inferiors don’t learn to avoid eye contact, they’ll get sassy.
If there’s one thing we can learn from celebrities, it’s that inventing a religion will make you perpetually cool. If you choose to do so, there are some guidelines you should follow. This religion should have all the trendiness of an established religion but without the hassle of structure or doctrine. It should have no historical basis or ties to an actual god. It should be completely synthetic and pull you out from under an emotional avalanche. You might want to consider the possibility of peace being drawn from within the individual, but this is up to you. It’s your fake religion, after all.
Money buys happiness, so you’ll need a lot of that. You also can buy things such as friendship and love. If you do decide to buy love, however, I wouldn’t get tied down because you should also consider legally marrying your money. It doesn’t really matter how you obtain money either, just as long as you have it. Why be an actor when you can be an actor who designs clothes and footwear and fragrances and cosmetics and produces albums and owns restaurants? It could mean the difference between making an obscene amount of money and making a filthy, demonic, godforsaken amount of super-money. The choice is yours. Celebrities learned this long ago and kudos to them.
Acting in romantic comedies also gives the godlike Glitterati license to know everything about areas such as politics. Do you think you know who should be president? You don’t. Know who does? Sean Penn. And do you know how he knows? Because he’s famous, that’s how. Let celebrities guide you in politics, love and life because they know more than you ever could because they make movies.
In the end, everything comes down to how beautiful someone was at one point or how popular they were for a limited period of time.
Everything else is immaterial.
-This column does not necessarily reflect the opinion of The Daily Aztec.
