It is a fine thing to want to work and have a “career,” but ladies, the highest standard that a woman can reach for is to be a housewife.
Being a doctor, teacher, astronaut or politician may be rewarding in its own way, however nothing seems to be as rewarding as staying home and preparing for the man of the house.
“Each afternoon, after I apply a fresh coat of lipstick before my husband comes home, I feel like I’m doing my little part in the world,” housewife Holly Homemaker said.
Homemaker, who bears a striking resemblance to Malibu Barbie with her perfectly coiffed blonde hair and vacant expression, described all of the hard work it takes to become a good housewife.
Her day starts early, with her alarm set for 5:30 a.m., leaving enough time for her husband to have his way with her before getting up to make him a hearty breakfast.
“The news looks good,” she said as her husband read the newspaper, trying to engage in a conversation. “How’re the eggs? Did I get them right?”
Homemaker’s husband’s silence is not uncommon. She urges novice housewives not to become despondent.
This is just one of the many trials she faces as a housewife.
Homemaker finds the best way to catch up on current events and stay sharp for her husband is to watch The View, every day.
“It’s good to have a regime every day,” Homemaker said. “Regime … regiment?”
She stopped and flashed a big smile while slightly pushing her bosom forward.
Of course, Homemaker has much more on her plate, notably the raising of her children. She estimates she spends at least half of her day instructing the nanny.
“I’m always telling Lupe ‘Go play with the kids – take them to the park or something, I don’t know, por favoro,’” she said, as the ice cubes clink in her bloody mary. “It’s so hard with the language barrier. She should learn English if she’s going to live here. It makes it very hard on me.”
Managing finances can be a struggle for Homemaker. Each week she must ask her husband for her weekly allowance and plan how she will spend it in order to make it last the full seven days.
“The Land Rover uses a lot of gas,” Homemaker said. “But it’s necessary. You don’t think I’d show up to yogalates in a Honda, do you?”
Although Homemaker faces many day-to-day challenges, it’s those challenges that make her housewife career so rewarding. What’s the point of participating in the legislature or working in a lab, “if you can’t be home to look nice and make your husband dinner?” Homemaker asked.
-Sarah Kovash is a journalism senior.
-The views expressed in this farce are not necessarily those of The Daily Aztec.
-This story is an inherent work of fiction and by no means true to any degree. Any similarity to names or events is entirely coincidental.