Now, I know if you wanted a more legit summary of the hilarious and / or thought-provoking events that have occurred recently in the world of popular culture, you’d be more likely to watch Joel McHale be smarmy and adorable on “The Soup” or log onto TMZ and pretend Harvey Levin isn’t the scummiest bag of all time. But, as a proponent of all things procrastination-related and a lover of dramatically late entrances, I’ve compiled a list of my favorite happenings throughout the past month — a list only further proving why pop culture is and always will be my biggest and most-consuming obsession.
Lindsay Lohan hosts “Saturday Night Live”
While I have to give the girl props for being able to laugh at herself (if it were me, I’d have backed into the corner of an underground rehabilitation facility in Malibu and vowed to never come out again), we must talk about the giant, collagen-filled elephant in the room. There’s no doubt this girl has gone from a young life of precious roles (remember “Life Size”?) and the potential for a fairly decent career (how could you possibly go wrong after starring in “Mean Girls”?), to a downward spiral of drugs, a short dabble in lesbianism (not that it matters, I love everyone) and copious amounts of crying in the courtroom. This girl, simply put, is a hot mess.
Though this may be the natural progression of child stardom, can we talk about her face for a second? Someone needs to report her plastic surgeon to the Better Business Bureau. She was totally adorable circa “Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen,” and then it just went bad. She looks worse than her mother, and her mother wasn’t great looking to begin with. Don’t people spend millions of dollars to reverse the aging process? She looks like she’s 65 years old.
Now, aside from her face, I have to say Lindsay did an OK job. She has nothing to promote, other than her latest run-in with the paparazzi (literally, she’s now the alleged assailant in a hit-and-run with some club manager) but she still got up there, cracked jokes about “Herbie Fully Loaded” and succumbed to a monologue of fun-spirited jokes about her drug habits. I give her an A for effort for the show. But as far as her face is concerned, that’s a big, big F.
Jon Hamm vs. Kim Kardashian
I’ve always been a fan of Jon Hamm. First of all, he’s totally hot and while I’ve never been a fan of “Mad Men,” I know he’s extremely dapper, which makes him even hotter. He’s also goofy and can hang with the “SNL” cast along with the best of them. In the April issue of UK Elle, Hamm joined the ranks with most of America by hating on Kim Kardashian. He said, “Whether it’s Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian or whoever, stupidity is certainly celebrated. Being a f—ing idiot is a valuable commodity in this culture because you’re rewarded significantly.”
Jon Hamm, I’m standing up in a round of applause right now. I’ve already confessed my love for the Kardashians and I have no shame in it, but I have to say Hamm couldn’t have been more correct in his allegations. Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian are queens of the overcrowded “being famous for nothing” group. I’ll be the first to admit I’ve seen every season of Paris Hilton’s reality shows, as well as every season of “Keeping up With the Kardashians” and every spin off of the sort, but I won’t turn a blind eye any longer. Props to Jon Hamm for finally saying, on an uber-public platform, what most of us are thinking and even more props for not being sorry. Jon Hamm, you are the newest light of my life.
Jermaine Jones on “American Idol”
It’s safe to say criminals will go to extreme measures to evade arrest. Some go low-profile. Others stay with friends in different states (or countries if it’s bad enough). Some even get new haircuts, start dressing differently and invest in vast collections of wide-brimmed baseball caps. I’ve seen enough movies to know how it’s done. But perhaps these options aren’t as evident to some criminals. And while the obvious may not be as obvious to everyone as it is to most, I think we can all agree the very last thing you’d want to do if you had four outstanding warrants for your arrest was enter a nationally broadcasted singing competition.
Jermaine Jones, from this season’s “American Idol,” was kicked off the show for outstanding warrants. (Besides the warrants, being a whopping 6 feet 8 inches doesn’t really help his case either. Perhaps he decided hiding in plain sight was his best option, as if the world would never know.) As a meeting between producers and Jones played out in front of America, the “Idol” team explained, had Jones been up front about his charges, it would have done what it could to help him, thus teaching us honesty really is the best policy, even for felons. As my friend so poignantly put it, all Jones could do was “Kanye shrug” and exit the studios when he was informed he was kicked off. Sometimes I really wonder how people get through their days. Contestants have been kicked off the show for a slew of reasons since it began 11 years ago. From pretending to be gay for a little more “edge” and alleged affairs with judges, to nude pictures and previous record deals, outstanding warrants still take the cake. Congratulations, Jermaine Jones, you may be the dumbest contestant to ever enter (and subsequently exit) the competition.
While many pay thousands of dollars for weekend entertainment, vacations to exotic lands, lavish yachts and high-speed cars, I prefer to relish in the free glory that is pop culture. People these days forget they’re under a microscope, and if I can be the one to lounge on my Ikea futon, laughing and pointing it out, I’ve had more fun than you and your tropical island getaway. I promise.