Fall is my favorite time of year. The days are getting shorter, leaves are turning a brilliant shade of spray- tan orange and the country is once again inundated with a familiar pack of rabid beasts. I’m talking, of course, about football fans.
Don’t get me wrong. Football is one of my favorite sports, but the overly obsessed varieties of pigskin fans are what make me shake my head in a state of confusion normally reserved for girls who wear Ugg boots with shorts. To analyze every type of football fan who gets on my nerves would take more than my allotted word count, so I’ll list my top five football fanatics who need to chill out.
#1. Overconfident Jersey Wearer
This is the guy who bases his entire sense of masculinity and bravery on how well the guy whose name is on his jersey is performing on the field. “What? Ray Rice just scored a touchdown? Well, let me hold the front of my no. 27 jersey with the thumb and index finger of each hand and tout my undeserved sense of accomplishment to others around me, even though I didn’t actually do anything except buy this jersey from J.C. Penney.” Congratulations, you’re pathetic.
#2. The Body Painter
This guy can fall on either end of the fanatic spectrum. He’s either a 400-pound fat guy with an eating problem or a 180-pound frat guy with a drinking problem. There’s no in between. He prides himself on displaying his nipples of steel to thousands, nay, millions of viewers throughout the country. But his saucer-sized areolas aren’t enough. He needs to cover his torso with at least three coats of his team’s colors to properly convey his fan pride. All this guy needs is a front row seat and a can of Krylon. Oh and an intervention.
#3. The Too-Hard Tailgater
This guy shows up at the game four hours early in his lifted truck the size of a parade float so he can proceed to drink Coors Light until his liver bleeds. The only problem with this, other than cirrhosis, is by the time kickoff rolls around, he’s passed out in his seat. All that pre- game partying and nothing to show for it except a clouded memory of being hammered on a Sunday morning. The combination of beer and adrenaline is like a Kardashian marriage: it’s only good for a few hours.
#4. The “We” Guy
This guy is my favorite. Most often heard on morning sports talk radio, this guy fancies himself as an integral part of his favorite team’s coaching staff. “What we need to do is keep Wes Welker in the slot position, which allows us the quick post pattern when we’re in third and short. We’ve looked good in practice all week and if we perform on Sunday, we’ll get the W.” Of course, when the team loses, “they” should have played better.
#5. Other Team Jersey Wearer
A distant cousin of the “Overconfident Jersey Wearer.” This guy shows up to a football game wearing the jersey of a team not even playing. This isn’t a concert where it’s frowned upon to wear the T-shirt of the band onstage. At a sporting event, it’s required you wear the jersey of one of the teams on the field. When you go to a Foo Fighters concert wearing a Wilco shirt, you’re cool. When you go to a Broncos vs. Chargers game wearing a Texans jersey, you look ridiculous. To be fair, anyone wearing a Texans jersey looks ridiculous.
These are just a handful of the many types of football fans gracing the bleachers of American football stadiums every Sunday. Some are more annoying than others, but they all have one thing in common: They are in love with the greatest sport this country has to offer. Now, get me a beer and a can of body paint. We’ve got a game to win.