Glenn Danzig, Vertebrate Columnist
We live in a day and age where we expect a worker’s pay to be determined by his or her ability and work ethic. However it is undeniable, society has allowed a travesty to transpire in factories, offices and boardrooms all across the U.S. Today, an undead worker earns less than 30 cents to the dollar a living worker earns doing the exact same job.
It is an undeniable fact undead workers earn less. Traditionally, the undead were underpaid because of biased traditions claiming the undead were weaker and dumber than the living. Often zombies were relegated to minor service jobs such as secretaries, where they were often hired based on their ability to maul unwanted solicitors rather than their intelligence. Eventually, zombies became prized as chief executive officers and company presidents because of their complete disregard for human life and ability to dismember disgruntled employees.
However, low wages have taken their toll on the undead labor force. Zombies shamble out of their cubicles and into the streets after their 9-to-5 jobs. Underfed, they gorge unwitting passers by and rip off their arms and legs to supplement their inadequate health care. Gangs of unemployed zombies trade their bodies for some brain scraps to eat, allowing strangers to use them for target practice for a week-old amygdala. Many zombies are forced to rely on processed canned brains with high corn-syrup content.
Instead of fit zombies capable of pursuing a desperate pack of survivors throughout an average-sized shopping mall, there are obese zombies just as likely to vomit on you than eat your brain. We should be sending zombie children to good schools where they can learn the valuable workplace skills they need, such as opening doors and climbing short fences. Instead, they are attending poverty trap schools and face a not-quite- lifetime of eating the brains of homeless people and flipping burgers.
All these issues stem from the fact undead laborers don’t earn as much as living ones. This comes despite an exemplary work ethic. It isn’t uncommon to see a group of dedicated zombie employees pursuing their customers relentlessly, despite getting shot at, burned and chain-sawed. Often they’ll even work days and nights to ensure the needs of one group of customers holed up in a cabin in the woods are met. Rarely do they complain about harsh work conditions or having to work during their traditional Halloween holidays.
It is imperative undead workers earn the fair wages they deserve to ensure they have the opportunity to advance in society. Some day, a soulless, unfeeling individual other than Mitt Romney will run as candidate for the presidency of the U.S. It will be at that moment when we know we have moved past the petty politics of mortality.