Cthulhu, Great Old One
At her San Juan concert in Puerto Rico last night, Lady GaGa reached her final form, teleporting thousands of innocent Puerto Ricans to an alternate nether dimension.
After a stunning performance of her dance hit “The Edge of Glory,” GaGa then transformed into an intergalactic energy-based demon- being, transmitting a message at a unbearably high frequency claiming, “That wasn’t even my final form.”
According to both NASA and the U.S. Geological Survey, the latter of which has current projects in Puerto Rico, an earth-shattering quake caused by GaGa’s transformation created a singularity that caused science and reason to become unstable.
“Physics just f****** broke, man,” concert goer and father of two Jeff Butts said. “I’m on vacation with my family and just wanted to get away for a night. I figured GaGa’s concert would be a place I could just be me, you know?”
Butts, however, was still impressed with the show. “I mean, I didn’t come expecting to see the ascension of a clearly higher being, but damn man, it was pretty cool.”
In the less “that was less cool” camp is the Puerto Rican government, which has received thousands of missing persons reports.
“Had we had known that GaGa would send a portion of our population to an alternate dimension, we wouldn’t have let her tour here,” a government spokesperson said in a statement to The Daily Aztec. “We all loved ‘The Fame Monster,’ and ‘Born This Way’ was pretty good, but in the days after the incident, we’ll be happier if our country wasn’t invaded by this terrifying creature.”
GaGa, known for her unusual dress and demeanor was never perceived as the dangerous type. There was that meat dress thing, and her whole red carpet egg deal, but nothing hinting she was from beyond the stars.
Lady GaGa’s agent released a statement early today denying any knowledge of her less-than-human nature, though in full disclosure the message did end with “GAGA OOH-LA-LA PREPARE TO BE ASSIMILATED HUMANS.”