Jaw-dropper: Hey Love Ghoul, I really need your help. For some reason, I’ve caught the attention of a succubus. Not too many zombies get that privilege. We’ve gone on a few dates and I like her a lot. We usually take long walks around the graveyard and chase humans for exercise. The problem is, she’s such a jaw-dropper, my jaw literally detaches from my face every time I go in for a kiss. I’ve had this “premature decapitation” issue before, but I’m afraid she’ll leave me if I don’t pull it together. What should I do?
The Love Ghoul: I’m sorry to hear that my friend. Indeed, rigormortis yields many issues for the undead. Understand that this is a common problem amongst zombies and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. I don’t recommend wasting your money on pills like Zombagera. Two words can be a simple solution to this problem: duct tape. You can even make it a fun activity to share with your scintillating succubus. Have her wrap it around the problem area and wear it with pride. Who knows, you could even start a new fashion trend amongst your motley crew of walking dead. Confidence is always the key.
Fangs and Fur Forever: The saying around the wolf pack is once you go vamp, you never go back. Well, it’s true. I’ve been dating a beautiful vampire for a few moons now and she really gets my tail wagging. However, the tension between werewolves and vampires is well-documented (especially in human cinema.) I don’t care about what “team” I’m on, I just want to be with her. My pack doesn’t approve of the relationship and they mean a lot to me as well. Please help!
The Love Ghoul: I like the fact that you have the courage to step out of your comfort zone and try something new. Coordinating a fun activity between the pack and your vampire girlfriend may broaden their horizons and ease the tension. Build the outing around something you horrifying creatures have in common: Hatred for humans. They chase your kind with torches and assault rifles, discharging silver bullets. They do their best to impale vampires with wooden stakes and douse them in holy water. Its payback time. Find a group of humans—preferably at a Republican convention—and chow down. I’m sure they’ll be impressed with your girlfriend’s hunting prowess and glamour techniques. Happy hunting!
Prom Queen Conundrum: I have a major issue, Love Ghoul. My name is Carrie and I’ve falling in love with a hulk of a man named Jason. We connected instantly, but I’m starting to have some concerns. He doesn’t talk much and all he likes to do is wear a hockey mask, carry his precious machete and chase other women. I’m writing to you because I’m getting really angry. Bad things happen when I get angry (I had a little incident at my senior prom). For the safety of those around me, I need to find a solution quickly. What’s the best way to get him to open up?
Love Ghoul: First off, take deep breaths and count to 10. I heard about your prom incident on Ghoul Public Radio and nobody wants that to happen again. I know Jason personally—we went to summer camp together—so I think I have some insight. He has trust issues. He withdraws easily because of the difficult relationship he had with his mother. The mask, machete and mass killings are coping mechanisms. Words of affirmation about the connection you have and how you appreciate his inner beauty will break down some of his emotional barriers. Deranged serial killers need love too.
Wrapped-up Witch: I’ve been dating this undead pharaoh for a few decades now and he’s been a great. I like him because there are so many layers to his personality. The only problem is he’s very clingy. Every time I want to have a witches night out flying around on broomsticks and kicking it at the cauldron, he doesn’t want me to leave him. I’ll admit I casted a few spells on him when we first met to enhance his attraction, but it’s getting to be too much. What’s the best way to approach this?
Love Ghoul: Hoarding and keeping the things they love close are engrained in mummy culture. An understanding of where your heavily bandaged beau comes from will help you cope with his clingy personality. Have a conversation with him about the importance of trust in your relationship and assure him nights out with your sisters in sorcery are nothing to worry about. On a side note, ditch the spells. I’ve always found long noses and hairy warts to be very sexy. He probably feels the same way since you’ve been together for so long. There’s no need to overwhelm him any further.