Every Halloween, millions of youngsters run around the streets, knocking on doors, hollering “trick or treat!” Those words are magical. When else can you say such a short phrase and receive free chocolate? It’s like every woman’s dream (the once a month for about a week kind). On any other day of the year, if children walked door to door dressed up as superheroes or movie villains and demanded residents to hand over sugary delectables, the Child Protective Services would be called before anyone could say “A Nightmare on Elm Street.”
So how did this kooky tradition begin? Starting as early as the 10th century, trick-or-treating was referred to as “souling.” This word evolved from a pagan tradition practiced in Europe, where children would walk from door to door during All Souls Day requesting gifts of food in return for prayers from the dead.
Although trick-or-treating stems from tradition, the idea in the modern day world is a little strange. Unrecognizable minors roam the streets into late hours of the night, hopped up on massive amounts of sugar given to them by complete strangers. Maybe it’s just me, but in theory, trick-or-treating sounds exceptionally frightening. Or maybe I’m just bitter because I’m 21 years old. As far as trick-or-treating standards go, I’m over the hill.
Despite this, there are plenty of Halloween fun and games I’m not bitter about.
Women Dressing Provocatively:
A wise woman named Cady Heron once said, “Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.” Though the quote stemmed from “Mean Girls,” a simple teen comedy and was spoken by the “master thespian” herself (Lindsay Lohan) girls everywhere take this quote to heart. Year after year, provocatively dressed women roam the streets, showing onlookers what their mommas gave them. At first, it was merely simple costumes that persevered: the sexy nurse, the sexy firefighter, the sexy cop, etc. Essentially, women took everyday occupations and sexed them up. But originality and creativity increased exponentially and the stock on sexy costumes has risen tenfold. Recently, I saw the sexy Bert and Ernie from “Sesame Street,” the sexy Sully from “Monsters Inc.” and a sexy hamburger (because nothing says seductive like dead cow). Ladies, if we’re going to dress provocatively, how about we honor the great women who came before us? Where are the sexy Ruth Bader Ginsburgs? The slutty Helen Kellers? The tantalizing Rosa Parks? Get creative, but remember the women who paved the way for us to be able to walk around half naked for one day every year.
Going to pumpkin patches, carving jack-o’-lanterns and baking pumpkin seeds are wonderful family traditions. I firmly believe pumpkin candles and pumpkin bread are two scrumptiously smelling items every household should use throughout October. But lately, I’ve seen the pumpkin and its sweet flavor transcend simple Halloween-related traditions and welcome itself into areas where it really does not need to be. Pumpkin Pie Spice Pringles? Calm down, pumpkins. I know you look really cute, especially when you’re carved to look like humans, but you’re only popular once a year and I’m already getting sick of you. It’s not me, it’s you. You’re deliciously flavored, but you’re more overexposed than the Kardashians. Just stick to looking cute and not really doing much, just like the Kardashians should.
Bobbing For Apples:
Like trick-or-treating, this last tradition stems from many years ago, as part of the Celtic celebration of Samhain (celebrating the new year) on Nov 1. The night before was thought to be a time when the living and the dead overlapped, enabling the deceased to walk the earth. Because of this overlap between realms, people thought predictions and fortune telling could be performed with some accuracy.
Unfortunately, the popularity of bobbing for apples decreased because of the game’s unsanitary nature (multiple players dunking their entire head in the same bucket of water). However, for a hygienic and a bit more riveting game, float the apples in a bucket of water, along with multiple bars of soap. The game may be a bit more risky, (is that a bar of soap in my mouth or a really clean apple?) but obsessive- compulsive mothers of the world can sit contently, knowing their child won’t catch some mysterious disease. Besides, apples are so outdated. Why don’t we bob for edamame, Kobe beef or ceviche? Let’s present these kids some culture while they’re semi- water-boarding themselves.