It started out so wonderfully, quite possibly a match made in heaven. A joke here, a funny quip there. We seemed to share so many of the same perspectives on life. He said all of the right things and appeared to have a mature grip on himself, the world and relationships. He was even rather attractive, with a face and body that few find themselves in possession of unless they’re an Abercrombie & Fitch model. But all came to a screeching halt when he said, “I can’t give you the kind of relationship you are looking for and that you deserve.”
Now, at first, I may have been a little miffed that this gorgeous man didn’t want to pursue a relationship with me. I didn’t let his confession sting me. However, because it’s a rare thing in this world for a man to be honest and tell the truth when things aren’t working out, I was intrigued by this sudden change of events and proceeded to thank him. He then explained it was certain differences that made him change his mind about me, and that was the reason why he thought we should part ways. Naturally, I was curious. So I probed him for an answer. What I got wasn’t exactly what I was expecting.
He reminded me of a tidbit of information I had openly shared with him before—that in past rendezvous with young men, I’ve been quick to move things along in a, well, physical manner. While it hasn’t been one of my finest choices, it’s one that I am now making a conscious effort not to repeat. I have since decided that the worth and value I place upon myself is more important than the raging hormones that often exist within me. He said in his own personal relationships with women, he chooses not to have girlfriends who are so quick to give themselves to men. By the same token, he added that he himself does hook up with many different women every week but, because he is a “guy,” he can do that. What do I call that? Two things: a hypocrite and a double standard.
Why is it different for a woman to sleep with multiple partners? There is a timeless notion that a woman who is sexually available is one of many adjectives: easy, loose, dirty, despicable. But for a man it’s completely the opposite. He rides high off the wave of his sexual conquests and is greeted with words such as “stud” or “the man.” At worst, he’ll be referred to as a “player,” but even then he is simply seen as a rebellious bad boy needing to be tamed by the right woman who comes along. Blame it on Hollywood’s romantic notions shoved down our throats in every movie that makes girls go weak at the knees. Hence, here lies another positive and seemingly attractive quality about a guy who has been around the block a few times or more. A woman, on the other hand, is labeled in much more derogatory terms: ones that demean her character and break her down to nothing. When a woman is branded in such a way, her reputation is destroyed, while a man simply becomes more popular with his peers.
I know what you’re thinking, “This girl is a raging, picket sign-wielding feminist.” I’m simply pointing out a severe injustice in what should be a time of gender equality. It’s 2013. Yes, women are obtaining college degrees in greater numbers than men and are matching up to males in politics, business and technical arenas. Socially, I don’t think things have changed very much, at least in terms of ideas about promiscuity. Women may as well be likened to wearing scarlet letters displaying their badge of filth because, apparently, one or a few mistakes makes someone unfit for a relationship. Of course, I’m not immune to the thought that there are good guys out there as well. But, for the majority, it seems this kind of thinking runs rampant, making it even more difficult for both men and women to cross the gender barrier in search of greater understanding.
As I sufficiently ended my conversation with this guy, who I decided in less than a minute after his response that he was not worth my time, I vowed to make a personal declaration. Not only will I not permit a man to define me as broken and unworthy of a healthy relationship as a result of my past, but I will only allow those who are accepting of me in spite of it into my life. Because, regardless of what mistakes I may have made because of my weaknesses, it does not diminish my standing as a strong, confident woman—one who has no intention of being labeled and one who will not give in to the double standard.
