Deep in the dark back room of Olive Oil Organic Cafe, three sinister men with crooked backs and twisted mustaches connived in secret during spring break. Since their on-campus vegan and vegetarian restaurant was well-received on San Diego State’s campus, the owners were ready to phase in their true plan.
“Now that we’ve got those weak-hearted vegetarians eating out of the palms of our lettuce-filled hands, we can begin our true plot,” one of the three owners said to the group. “With our new menu filled with meaty sandwiches, we can begin to wipe animals off the face of the Earth as cruelly and painfully as possible!”
“Cheers to the animal apartheid!” they all cried in unison.
Behind them, baby pigs and turkeys squealed and squawked in desperation, rattling their tiny, constraining cages. Although more expensive, the restaurant owners preferred to slaughter all the animals used in their sandwiches on-site.
“Squeal all you want, you living petulance of the Earth!” a man with a particularly twisted mustache screeched as he kicked one of the long uncleaned cages. “We here at Olive Oil Cafe think you animals are the lowest of the low—absolute scum. That’s why we’ve created the Atomic Grilled Cheese, filled with all the dead animal carcass one could possibly desire. Those soft-minded tofu chewers will never see it coming.”
Just then, a young, scraggily bearded Olive Oil Organic Cafe employee walked through the door to the back room. The patter of his TOMS shoes silenced the baby animals and sinister men as they turned to look at him.
Stunned and suddenly sober, the vegan, Grateful Dead-loving employee wore a stupefied, dead- eyed stare as he surveyed the scene in front of him. His sinister supervisors couldn’t distinguish the look on his face from the one he normally wore.
“Hey man, we’re like, organic and vegetarian,” he said uneasily. “So like, what are these pigs and birds doing here?” “Stupid boy!” One dastardly, crooked man said as he arose, “We should cook you up with the rest of th—“
“Wait a minute, wait a minute,” the more clever of the evil conspirators said, interrupting his associate. “We stole these defenseless baby turkeys and piglets from the Taco Bell next door. We find the idea of eating poor animals just as abhorrent as you. We’re just keeping them here until we have a time to—to set them free! Back into the wild where they’ll frolick through beautiful green fields.”
A piglet squealed and rattled against its cage. One of the men kicked the cage and spat at the pig to be quiet, then turned and grinned innocently at the boy. “Umm, alright man,” The boy said even slower than he usually spoke. “Could I just like, check them out and make sure they’re groovy here?”
“Go right ahead, my dear boy. Go right ahead,” the mustached man said in his high, nasally voice. “We all share your concerns.”
Just as the boy peered into one of the cages where an injured baby turkey lay whimpering, one of the men leapt up and smashed the boy on the back of the head with a juice blender. The boy fell to the ground unconscious. They stuffed him in a burlap sack and stuck him in the corner. “Now, when we run out of all these baby animals, we can just cook him up,” one man said as they laughed. “And with him out of the way, we might be able to finally realize our dream restaurant.”
The three psychopathically evil restaurant owners all got the same dreamy idealistic look on their faces, and their eyes glistened.
“Yes, our dream restaurant,” another continued, happily daydreaming aloud. “Where customers can slaughter their own animals on-site. Where we can finally use all our experimental animal slaughtering techniques, such as the pigtail uncurler and the turkey de-clucker. Oh, what a marvelous day it shall be.”
“Oh, look,” one owner said looking at his watch, which was also rather evil-looking. “It’s time to open up. Better get the meat ready!”
“Yes, perhaps! Who knows the extent of our perverse evil?!” Yelled another owner excitedly. And with that, the owners of Olive Oil Organic Cafe gleefully grabbed their animal-slaughtering devices and set to work on preparing their newest menu item.
The Olive Oil Organic Cafe now sells the Atomic Grilled Cheese, which contains turkey and bacon, and is fairly delicious if you’re a fellow meat-loving monster.
We have no reason to believe any of the other stuff contained in this column is true, but who can really be sure.
