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Imagine loving someone so much that sharing him or her with someone else would be ideal. Not only that, by sharing him or her, jealousy and infidelity would be thrown out the window because there would be no secrets or affairs, just people loving other people. For those who practice polyamory, this scenario is not only perfectly fine but, it’s ideal — the more the merrier.
“You have the capacity to fall in love with multiple people,” Kamala Devi, author, sex and relationship coach and organizer of www.meetup.com/sdpoly said. “Being in a polyamorous relationship is a commitment to making that work with all those involved in an open and honest way.”
Devi, a bisexual polyamorist, is married and shares a girlfriend with her husband, Michael McClure. He has lovers whom Devi knows about but does not share and vice versa. Both are engaged in long-term relationships with other people and refer to their lovers as their “poly partners of choice.”
One of the core beliefs of polyamorists is that one can love more than one person equally and unconditionally. Love is infinite and sharing it with more than one person exponentially increases the love one can both give and receive.
Compersion, the joyful feeling that comes from knowing the person one loves is loved by another, is also a core belief of polyamory. Overcoming jealousy is a sign of emotional maturity.
Devi, who hosts monthly potlucks, said she has seen heightened interests in the last five years and is thrilled San Diego has a fairly large and active polyamorous community.
A member of www.meetup.com/SDPoly/, Jasen Hansen said he has always been a naturally flirtatious person and felt guilty being in monogamous relationships because the flirting with other women never stopped. When he first learned of polyamory he was skeptical but discovered it made more sense for him to live a polyamorous lifestyle.
“I realized that my nature fit in with the polyamory philosophy,” Hansen said. “It was not about getting into as many women’s pants as I could. It was that I could care for more than one person and I felt like I was denying part of myself by not allowing that to be expressed.”
People who choose to be in polyamorous relationships do so with the knowledge and consent of all those involved — there is no lying, cheating or keeping of secrets. Unlike swingers who engage in casual sex, polyamorists practice long-term, committed and loving relationships.
“There are just some things you cannot get from a monogamous partnership,” member of SDPoly Christine Saulsbury said. “One person can only give so much. When you can find balance in a poly relationship you become a more well-balanced, happier and fulfilled person.”
Some members of SDPoly currently practice monogamy but are open to the idea of polyamory. Member Ryan Pearson said he prefers monogamy but can see the pros and cons of both lifestyles.
“(Polyamory is) loving someone deeply, wholly and completely without having the need to possess them,” Pearson said. “Many people that are in monogamous relationships have certain possessive ways of being, often with an underlying fear of losing that person.”
Others say they are happily satisfied being monogamous.
“I’ve been in a monogamous relationship for over a year,” member of SDPoly Ryan Altman said. “(We) may try alternatives in the future, but for now (I) am digging the one-on-one thing.”
Polyamorists argue monogamy is culturally constructed, humanly unnatural and results in increased divorce rates and infidelity.
“I truly believe that we were designed to be polyamorous,” Pearson said. “However, even though I do feel that way, as soon as I meet the right match for me I plan on settling down and being monogamous to one woman for the rest of my life.”
For some, polyamory is an alternative lifestyle, while for others it is a way to spice things up. Many are single, curious and just want to share some fun between the sheets.
“I do not feel that sex is only for people that love each other,” member of SDPoly Bill Mertl said. “Sex is an exciting and very physically good feeling.”
In a monogamous culture, polyamory has always been able to slip beneath the radar, remaining a hidden subculture. Only recently have such books as “Open: Love, Sex and Life in an Open Marriage” by Jenny Block peaked the interests of monogamists.
Ian Miller, member of SDPoly, is currently in a monogamous marriage but said he and his wife have considered polyamory after reading the book, “The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures,” by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy.
In the book’s introduction the authors write, “Many people dream of having an abundance of love and sex and friendship. Some believe that such a life is impossible and settle for less than they want … few persist and discover that being openly loving, intimate, and sexual with many people is not only possible but can be more rewarding then they ever imagined.”
Miller said it can add a lot of pressure to a relationship if one expects their partner to be perfect. Not all people enjoy participating in all the same activities their partners do. Understanding that and not allowing jealousy to interfere can lead to more fulfilling lives with multiple partners.
“I feel polyamory offers us the possibility to find a more complete and satisfying life by being able to experience multiple, simultaneous relationships,” Miller said. “Rather than having to find one person to be your everything, we can choose to take pleasure in our loved one’s enjoyment in an activity and realize we can’t be everything to them.”
8 comments
Jenny Block
www.jennyonthepage.com
Keep up the good work.
http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com