Mercedes screams success. Hondas preach efficiency. And, according to recent reports, people who drive Toyotas don’t watch the news or use the Internet. Because I have a 25-minute commute to school, I have a lot of alone time on the road to judge strangers’ personalities and life values based solely on their car. It’s not stereotyping, it’s science. Really.
GM Oldsmobile
I bet you didn’t know this, but Oldsmobile is actually an acronym: old ladies driving slowly, making others behind infuriatingly late everyday. These women are either going to Bingo night or church, neither of which expects them to be on time. Driving an Oldsmobile says, “This is the last car I will ever own.” I mean — it even has “old” in the title.
Toyota Prius
We get it. You love the planet like a frat boy loves protein shakes. I’ll tell you what, I’ll acknowledge your superior love for the earth when you stop driving 52 mph in the fast lane. Yes, I’m sure if I actually listened to what you have to say, you may present an educated argument for owning a Prius. However, it only took one episode of “South Park” to properly indoctrinate me with all the stereotypes about you that I care to know.
Big white van
You remember how in “The Silence of the Lambs” Buffalo Bill uses his unmarked van to bring victims back to his basement dungeon and fillet their skins? Yeah — that makes walking past the fleet of windowless white vans in Parking Structure 5 at night a little scary. I don’t know whether to praise the earth-friendly San Diego State carpool system or bust out my all-in-one pepper spray, rape whistle and flashlight keychain. (That’s right, Mr. Bad Guy. Consider yourself warned.)
Motorcycle
You consider yourself immortal. I find that incredibly sexy.
SUV
Your kid may be an honor student, but you, ma’am, are an idiot. I understand that the car is so big, both children and their upper-middle class mom paranoia can fit inside, but that does not entitle you to two parking spots. I do have one question for you though: Is it hard to find your car after soccer practice, when every other mom’s car in the parking lot looks exactly like yours? I’ve always wondered.
Toyota Scion / Cube
You are easily swayed by flashy commercials with edgy and hip techno music. You are disappointed that your life did not turn into an urban music video after purchasing this car. (Scion owners: You are also probably not aware that you are driving a Toyota. Might want to get that checked. I’m just sayin’.)
Highway patrol car
This content has been removed because of blatantly tasteless analogies.
Honda Civic
Pre-2007 models:
You either don’t have credit history or an imagination.
With a Kit:
You are an Asian ricer racer and have seen “The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift” too many times. However, you still can’t parallel park.
Post-2007 models:
The digital speedometer on the dashboard makes you feel like you’re in a spaceship, and that was all it took for you to decide to buy this car. (Also, you are incredibly attractive, intelligent and popular among your peers.)
BMW
What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? In a BMW, the prick is on the inside. (Except you Scott, you’re cool.) BMW drivers love that they own a BMW so much their license plate holder says “BMW” even thought the logo is right above it. They think the redundancy is necessary, and that is why these cars get keyed. (Side note: Greek decals on your back windshield? Really? Did Delta Delta Delta manufacture your car, or is it the Greek translation for “pass me, I’m busy texting?”)
The rest of the stereotypes are as boring as a sedan, so I suppose I’ll end with this: Cool kids drive 2007 Honda Civics, lifted trucks aren’t always compensating for the little guy riding shotgun (sometimes they’re compensating for mommy issues too) and if you don’t have a European accent, you can’t have a Mini Cooper. Oh, and if it costs more than $100,000, go ahead and stop by a drive-in bank today so your car can visit its real owner.
—Kristen Ace Nevarez is a theater arts junior.
—This column does not necessarily reflect the opinion of The Daily Aztec.
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