I have effectively emasculated him in my mind. When he visits my house I say, “This is my room,” I don’t mean, “This is my bed and some other stuff.” I actually mean “This is my room.” He’s not so much a man but more an inventory of parts: head, chest, stomach, feet. He’s as unsexy as a grocery list. I, and every other woman in the world, have uttered these words: “You’re my best guy friend.”
For my readers who aren’t getting it right off the bat, the best guy friend is the really familiar, often sweet, slightly normal guy who the girls in his life will always hang out with but never, ever date. He can’t be called the “best friend,” as the Y chromosome forbids it — so we use that other name: Best Guy Friend, also known as the BGF (if you like texting).
He has everything you could ever want in a man except for “that one thing,” which knocks him one rung below worthy. These missing factors range in importance and tangibility. It could be because he always wears the same pair of gym shorts or because his car smells like a shrine to In-N-Out Burger. It could be because he smiles too much, he smiles too little, he drinks too much, he doesn’t drink enough, he has no money or he works too much. Or: his major is dumb, his brother is hotter or his last name is dorky. There are too many imperative features to possibly list, so I will let you imagine the rest.
I was waiting in line at the bookstore and was lucky enough to overhear a girl talking about her Best Guy Friend: “He’s such a sweetie, he really is. He’s such a, like … He’s a nice guy. Honestly, when Chad and I broke up — the, uh, first time — he was right there handing me the tissue box. Like I dunno y’know? But, God no, I’d never date him.”
First off, I will admit that any girl who says “I dunno y’know?” should not be used as any kind of credible reference. Regardless, there is truth in what she said. For instance, saying a guy is nice or sweet is like saying a girl has a great personality or is really smart. In both contexts, it means it won’t ever happen and she won’t love you. Honestly ladies, could a nice guy with similar interests, who you can trust and enjoy spending time with, replace all the drama and mind games of a boyfriend? Of course not. Never. Women love games and jerks intentionally use this to their advantage.
Those who are cringing while reading this understand because you are most likely either the Best Guy Friend or the girl I just described. You hold her hair back when she’s puking, you know all her favorite movies and she even gets you a joke birthday present ever year. And yet you will never see her naked. The truth is, every girl has a gaggle of people strictly in the friend territory and the Best Guy Friend is inevitably crowned ruler of this land: King Platonic. It’s fascinating really, in a slow-down-to-look-at-a-car-crash sort of way.
Boyfriends suspicious of the proverbial “we’re just friends” friend, let me put your minds at ease. Think of most chick flicks — the Best Guy Friend only gets the girl if the boyfriend cheats (often). He will more than likely be just a witty sidekick who gets stuck with the single friend during the ending credits montage. In fact, screenwriters are starting to make the best guy friend gay just to prevent any audience confusion.
Yes, eventually her Facebook status will change to “no longer listed in a relationship,” but honestly, does that really mean anything for you besides buying the pink Jell-o shots and a drunk karaoke duet of “I Will Survive?” Yes, she “loves ya,” but until that turns to the three words “I love you,” just consider it a dismissive pat on the head.
So to best guy friends everywhere, you have two real choices for actual change. Either forget about her or start dating her slightly prettier best friend. This will make her jealous and you will be able to manipulate the situation. And that my friends, spells relationship material.
—Kristen Ace Nevarez is a theatre arts junior.
—This column does not necessarily reflect the opinion of The Daily Aztec.
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